Friday, February 20, 2015

Revelations of a Pseudo-Parent


    So I'll begin by saying 'Pseudo-Parent', because I think it sounds a lot more interesting than 'babysitter', and much more accurate than 'wannabe parent', as I am most certainly not one of those.

     In recent years I've become somewhat of a de-facto babysitter for my inner circle of friends, this 'second career' of sorts beginning because of a need to help others and developing over time into a more permanent arrangement with some. I like to step in where I can, being single and having spare time (often) in droves. Helping people is my sugar rush, it's what makes me happy knowing that someone is grateful for the time I put in and that their children enjoy seeing me every week.

   When I was younger it really wasn't that way, to be honest, and while I feel terribly that my only niece didn't get that time with me- I don't make excuses for it. I was a child myself when she was little, still in high school and really not interested in doing anything unless it was for me (that's at LEAST 90% of teenagers and don't pretend it isn't), so I will admit that I didn't want anything to do with the idea of small children.

   Now, even though I've definitely decided I don't want children of my own, I don't mind the idea of temporarily taking guardianship of one or two for a day/few hours of the week and keeping them alive. It's not all that bad, really. And sometimes I get paid in food, which is really pretty much the way to my heart. And my survival, so a win in both areas, really.

  This brings me to the topic of today's post: revelations I've had that parents had probably had a long time ago, but it took me longer to figure out because I don't live with children 24-7. Following is a list of things I've discovered during this 'Pseudo-parenting' run I've been having, and I'm sure there will be someone out there who finds it as amusing as I do.

   1) I actually have normal conversations about bowel movements.
     
      This is true in the case of many children I watch. In the case of two of them the use of the toilet is pretty common and unprompted, so I don't have to worry that much. But as I watch two sets of two fairly often, one of each of those are still in diapers and have to be changed frequently. One of them tends to deposit the most rancid gifts in his, while the other just pees a lot. Once upon a time this sort of discussion would never have had cause to come up in my life, and now it does more often than not. Mostly when getting the 'update' before the parents leave, but sometimes it's my update when they come home. And occasionally it's 'Hey, so-and-so hasn't pooped in three days so today might be the day'. Give me discussion about Criminal Minds reruns and gruesome murders on C.S.I any day.

   2) I buy children's clothing more than I buy my own.

      I can't help it. That goes somewhat with the 'I like doing things for others' piece, but only to a point. Most of these kids probably don't need the clothes I buy them. But when you're a huge geek and you see a teeny tiny Star Trek t-shirt on sale...well, everyone knows that small things are just that much cuter, and if it won't fit your cat you have to find a small person who can wear it. So these things happen, and more often than I'd have ever imagined they would in the past.

   3) I notice deals on diapers and other child products.

     Yup. If I'm clipping coupons (which I've fallen lax on, sadly, in recent years) I'll actually notice Luvs or Huggies coupons and cut them out just in case someone I know could use them. Most of the people I know don't care too terribly much what brand they use, but I know preferences (for the most part) and will often take note of sales when I see them. I will tag people on Facebook, I will actually text people when I stumble across something I think they'd appreciate. I do that now.

  4) I know enough to bring multiple changes of clothing along when watching 'new' children.

     I say 'new' like 'barely in the world long enough to know it's insane'. He'll learn. Eventually. But I learned, when I came home one day smelling of spitup and constantly checking down my shirt to see if I missed any. Throw up on me once, shame on you (except not because you can't direct it and you're little). Throw up on me twice, shame on me (because I didn't bring two shirts, so obviously the second one is going to stink until I can change). I started bringing an extra shirt along after the first spit-up incident, and as far as pants go...I can deal with that. But I just can't deal with wearing a spit-up spotted shirt for most of my morning. Yick.

 5) I can name children's shows and many characters. I can also sing theme songs.

     And I'm not talking 'knowing the theme of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' or 'being able to name all of the characters in Voltron'. No, I can do those things- but those are the cartoons I knew as a child and am still fond of- for nostalgia. I'm talking full-blown 'I know the theme to Daniel Tiger and can sing most of the little 'lesson' songs', and 'Sometimes the theme to Spongebob gets lodged in my brain and I want to die a little'. I know that Daniel Tiger had a baby sister, I know the 'Backpack' song from Dora, and I think Caillou is an annoying little s**t (that last part is something I wouldn't necessarily know if I didn't watch kids, so I feel it belongs here). I don't know why he is, he just is.

6) Pee (or as I like to call it, Pee-T-S-D).

       Sometimes, I also think I can smell pee when there's none to be found. I like to think of it as 'Pee-t-s-d'. Because you're lying if you say you've never been traumatized by pee from an infant. I haven't actually been peed on yet (knock on wood until my knuckles bleed), but I was given fair warning when many others don't get that luxury. It can't always be avoided, but if you're lucky enough to avoid it...you're among few, from what I hear). But after the first time you smell a pee-soaked diaper, you smell it everywhere. And sometimes you can't explain it, so you aren't sure if you got some on you while changing a baby, and that causes the entire day to consist of you sniffing random parts of your clothes while running errands...just to be sure.

   So, for now I'll leave you with 1-6. I've had more revelations and I'm sure they'll come to me, but for now I imagine this is enough for anyone who doesn't actually have children to relate to. Now, you're going to have to excuse me...I think I might smell pee.

  Just kidding. I don't.

  But don't you? ;)
   

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