We all remember that movie, right? The Goonies, released in 1985, with the adorable Sean Astin (Samwise Gamgee, ladies and gentlemen! Cutest roly-poly Hobbit the world will ever know) starring as an inhaler toting youth hell bent on finding hidden treasure. I loved that movie, and will forever remember how Sloth absolutely adored Baby Ruth's, and the look on poor Chunk's face when he discovered the freezer full of Ben & Jerry's only to have the dead body tumble down on top of him (I don't know about you, but that would pretty much put me off ice cream forever).
Well, Sloth loved those candy bars. Chunk loved...all food. And me? Well, in the last week or two I've been trying ('trying' being the operative word, as I tend to 'try' my way into a bag of chips or a candy bar pretty easily) to eat better, and in doing so have thought back on the junk food I once could devour without even blinking an eye. Remember those days, when no one gave a shit about calories and the fact that everything contained high fructose corn syrup meant pretty much nothing?
Yeah, so do I. And in remembering those days, I reflect upon the candy I once loved, and the things I will no longer eat because adulthood has robbed me of that joy.
Butterfingers:
"Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger". Bart Simpson loved them, and were he a real person you'd be able to imagine him kicking a man in the jewels to take back his beloved candy bar. I probably wouldn't have resorted to violence, but I certainly went straight for the orange wrapper every time I was given the chance to get candy at the convenience store in the little town I grew up in.
These days I can't stand them. Sure, the taste is still wonderful, and they still melt on my tongue like they did when I was younger, but the buttery, flaky innards get stuck in my teeth and make me feel as if I could sprain my tongue trying to work them out. Floss rarely helps, and toothpicks are never around unless you're at the cash register in a Chinese restaurant. So the option, as much as I hate to say so, is to simply avoid them as often as possible. There are, of course, the times when I just can't say no...and those are the days when I'm found working the candy out of my teeth with a grimace.
Sugar Daddys (or Sugar Babies)
Ouch. Seriously, they were so good to eat, once upon a time. So chewy and delicious, and a lovely bit of buttery caramel you could work around in your mouth until it melted into oblivion. They were sweet and wonderful, and pretty much available anywhere in their lovely yellow wrappers. You'd be happy to just eat them for hours (if you could manage to make it last that long), and they were always everything you hoped they would be.
Now? Well, again, it's a 'stuck in your teeth' situation. I'm pretty sure my teeth hurt now, just because I'm thinking about them. There's a term for that, I'm sure- phantom pain, or tactile memory, or some such thing- but ultimately the memory is enough to steer me away from them. It's another thing that sucks about being an adult, but when you're paying your own dental bills it's really good to listen to that instinct.
Pixie Sticks
There's not much to say here. But pouring straight sugar down your throat? Yeah. That's really a no brainer when you're reaching the age where you should really watch that shit or risk diabetes due to overindulgence. Not to say, of course, that kids should be indulging...but adults really shouldn't. We've got beer, and that's bad enough. So stick to the beer (not that I'm encouraging alcoholism. I'm not. So if you have a problem with that...you should avoid it. There you go).
"The candy man can, 'cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good...." - 'Candy Man', from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
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