Out On The Edge

"You could come and save me and try to chase the crazy right out of my head..."-Jason Walker, 'Echo'.

I know I'm not crazy. I mean, not in the clinical sense- more eccentric, I think, than anything.

But the point of this is not that I think crazy, or that anyone is crazy, or about crazy at all. It's that I think this song in particular speaks volumes to me in the sense that it seems to perfectly describe how I feel on a daily basis.

I'm depressed. It's a big deal, although to most people I think it's seen as a cop out of some kind. I was once told to simply 'get over it' when I feel sad, and the only thing I could do was stare at the person saying it.

In my opinion, people treat depression like nothing at all, because it isn't a visible disease. If I were sad and my skin were falling off as a direct result, people would see it a bit differently. But instead they see it only as a sadness, like someone ran over your childhood pet, and given the proper amount of time (whatever that is), you'll just be fine.

No. I will never 'be fine' without hours of therapy or bottles of drugs, all of which can only be acquired for as long as I can pay for them. It is fortunate, of course, as so many things cannot be helped even with drugs and therapy, no matter how many hours are put into it.

There are some days I think I'll never be okay. When I break up with someone I thought I really loved after I swore I never could again, or when I realize how very much my moods are likely the reason I feel so left out all the time. This depression ruins everything, and as I've been on the receiving end of that misery I understand how much it can ruin things.

It creates this void of hopelessness, where you think you're too fat and too sad and too boring for anyone to love. Where someone tearing apart the shreds of your character is enough to have you questioning every single moment that follows. This void can eat you alive, and so many days I feel like I'm being slowly devoured. Like today, and even as I'm sleeping on a friends couch and knowing there's one person nearby who understands, I'm acutely aware that there are so many around me who don't and maybe never will.

Again, I'll go back to Jason Walker, because I think he said it best to describe how I feel.

"I'm out on the edge and I'm screaming my name like a fool at the top of my lungs. Sometimes when I close my eyes I pretend I'm all right, but it's never enough.."